The Great Underwear Caper   Reply to topic

Oh boy, did I ever hook you didn't I?

Ole Jahoo here and well, had an experience today and thought I'd share.

There comes a time in every man’s life that he has to just face up to reality, be a man about it and perform the task at hand……Oh, I see where your mind just went right there. NO people, not talking about that, I mean facing up to the stone cold, harsh facts of life. Tackling the issues, confronting it, like my man Gunny Highway would say, “adapt and overcome”.

Well, today was one of those days. I have been putting it off that dreadful task but realized, time was running out and I had to just face the truth and get r done.

So I pulled up my britches, almost till I was singing soprano, and headed off on my quest, my adventure, and hopefully my triumph. You see, I needed to replace my underwear.
Sighs, yes, it was time, I mean it only seemed like yesterday I was breaking in the ones I have now. Guys, you know what I mean about breaking in the underwear right? I mean, you just can’t take them out of the package and put them on. You need to wash them several times, each time soaking them in fabric softener for a day or two. Get all the stiffness and itchiness out before you can even think about putting them around the ……..well you know. And if you don’t, stop reading now, you’re too young to read this.

But getting new underwear is almost like getting hitched. I mean there is the anticipation of finding the right one. Then the awkward first several attempts at sizing up the situation. Followed by the excitement when you find out things really do fit. Then the comfortable years, where you know what you have and enjoy it without ever having to worry about comfort. It is always comfortable no matter if you don’t fit in just right.

Then one day, you notice the little tell-tale signs. Things a little loose, baggy, and then the small opening getting bigger and bigger. You try to ignore it, but you just can’t seem to put it off any more. That love has just got to go when you can no longer get any more support and things fall out.

But back to breaking them in, it takes almost a year or so to get them to the point they are comfortable. All stretched out it the right places. You know what I am talking about. Things stretched in the right directions to hold and shape, keep things where they should be without the tugging and binding.

But like I said, it was time. Not sure where the time got to you know, seems like it was just yesterday, then….poof! It was time.

So today was the day, it was time to take action and I set out on my quest to replace something that had over the years…….grew on me. Literally.
I stopped off at the local tag and bag store, where you can get not only your groceries, but oil for your car, hair, and cooking. Clothes can be found right next to the gas grills, you know the place.
I figured I would go hog wild and even pick up a pair of jeans to go with my milk, M&Ms and Dukes. While I wasn’t looking forward to the underwear shopping, Jeans are worse, it isn’t like back in the day, you only had to decide if you wanted name brand…Levis, or store brand. Bells or flares, or if you were wild, elephant bells. But that was it. Then somewhere they changed it all up. So many brands, styles, straight, boot, flare, carpenter, boxer, 501, 521, 555, 802, and 1927. Even something called skinny jeans, I say that is just showing off, hey, so I put on a few pounds over the years but really. Then lets not forget, relaxed fit, low rise, high rise and crotchless…….ok, I made that one up just to see if you were still listening.

But I had a surprise today, there were only a couple racks, Levis, Wrangler, and store brand. And just a couple styles too. I was in heaven, I found exactly the ones I have been wearing for a couple of years and thought wow, this shopping thing is a cinch. I mean just pick up a pack of underwear and I will be out of here.

I turned the corner for the underwear and ………………………………………………………………………………

WTH? The aisle went on forever. I mean I never seen anything like it. What happened in the 10 years since I went shopping for underwear? I started to shiver a little, feelings of panic setting in, this is going to be jeans 10 years ago all over again.

I slowly made my way down the aisle, almost trancelike, not really believing what I was seeing. Tag, tagless, no band, banded, colors, plaids, cotton, nylon, silk, briefs, boxers, boxer briefs, thigh, mid thigh, bikini, thong?????????thong?????? Oh, I must have wondered into the ladies underwear, right? OMG, they actually have man thongs. Ewwwwwww.

I just couldn’t believe all the styles, colors, and material I had to choose from. I was almost ready to curl up in a ball, saying, “mommy, make it go away”. What happened? I mean the last time I bought underwear I felt like I had too many choices then, brief, boxer, white, colors.
I guess by now you figured out I don’t like that many choices, having to decide from so many options, fearing I will make the wrong decision. It is a plot I say. Trying to confuse us men, get us distracted trying to decide if we want to have those manly things held tight, cradled, or hang free in the breeze. To be cool, dry, wicking weaves. Oh my, what happened to the standard whity tighty that made sense only because it was the only thing in town.

So, I set out on the quest to locate the perfect pair to go along with the perfect pair. Um, see what I did there? Well, need to get your attention again I know, this is getting long. I will end it soon, I promise.

Up and down the aisle I went, putting that analytical mind of mine to the test. Evaluating the merits of each package. I finally decided on what I wanted, what made sense, what looked comfortable, and what I could afford. Yes, I guess we must pay the price for all the different choices the manufacturers have given us.

After about 8 hours, I made my purchase, and headed home. A little giddy. First, I had confronted the beast, the dragon. I used my knowledge, skills, deductive reasoning to select what should be the best pair of underwear I had ever owned. I was almost anticipating getting home, ripping open my package, hold it up over my head like some caveman trophy.

I rushed in, full of excitement, ran upstairs, pulled the package out of the bag and started to…………….then I fell to the floor once again, curled up in a ball, heading swimming, lost in ponderment. Why, oh why? For love of puppies did they package my underwear in a resealable plastic bag?

Lmao woo woo. First of all, 10 years??? Tip for ya, next time just buy Calvin Klein undies and save yourself the headache of it all. Lol. Hope you had yourself a little drink after all that stress. 🍻
Oh, and I hope they were everything you wanted and just curious, you bought more than one, right?

Well cutie, maybe not 10 years, but it had been a while. They do tend to last when you don't use them much....oh, um TMI? lol

But they were pretty good actually, and you did noticed I said they. So yes, had to buy more then one, a whole weeks worth.

Not like those fancy things, Duluth Trading or Tommy Johns where you can only afford one at a time. lol

Kept it plain, simple, semi affordable Hanes

Fruit of the loom boxer briefs.
Dockers for office work pants. Wrangler cargo pants for in the wafer fab.
Levi jeans last the longest but are worst fit. Wranglers fit well but tend to tear at rear pockets. Lee jeans fit and feel best but rip or, do I dare say it, split.
I have more Wrangler shirts than any other brand. More "North Face" logo shirts except for over 100 Hard Rock Café shirts (which are mostly Fruit of the Loom)

These of course are my opinion and experience.
PS Levi fit has improved (either button up fly are cut differently these days or my shape is different). They take the longest to break in but last the longest.

I should have mentioned repeatability is most important to me. The brands I get have that. I don't even try them on. Just grab them and leave (and pay).
In Texas, shorts and tee-shirts 10 months out of the year.

And whitey tighties? Goodwill.

Right next to the used "Real Dolls";)